" AhI'LL tell YEW whhhat..."

I love this Texanism, simultaneously makes the speaker seem dumb as a rock yet you REALLY want to hear what he's got to say next, because why else would you use this preface? You'd just come out and say what you're going to say if it was just an everyday thing.

Trapped between feeling like you need to hear this nugget of wisdom and the sinking feeling that you're actually listening to a redneck, hanging onto this pregnant pause.

I won't tell you the outcome. It'd just ruin it for the next time some southeastern white guy with a really bad farmer tan and an inflated sense of self comes up and uses this infuriating phrase again.