* Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
* If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
* Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
* Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
* When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
* Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
* Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
* Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
* Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
* In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
* Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
* Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
* When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
* Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
* Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
* Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
* There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
* Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
* When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
* When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
* Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
* When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
* Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
* When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
* Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
* G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
* If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
* If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
* Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
* If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
* Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
* Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
* When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
* Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
* Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
* Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
* Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
* In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
* Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
* Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
* When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
* Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
* Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
* Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
* There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
* Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
* When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
* When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
* Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
* When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
* Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
* When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
* Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
* G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
* If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
* If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
* Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
* You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
* When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
* If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
* During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
* If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
* Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
* Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
* Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
* Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
* During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
* When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
* Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
* Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
* Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
* The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
* Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
* Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
* Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
* Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
* When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
* The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
* Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
* Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
* A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
* Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
posted by Cyemm at 6:53 AM
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