Saturday, February 24, 2007

Interesting collection of sayings from the land down under... P.S. some possibly NSFW words.

WHO WE ARE: A column about Australia, by David Dale

My candidate for National Metaphor was The Magic Pudding, because it's the image used most often in political rhetoric and most appropriate to describe the way we regard our continent. But on the very day I wrote that, the British media raised a candidate for National Simile -- the father of a Qantas fight attendant speculated that the people who dobbed her in for dallying with Ralph Fiennes were probably "as ugly as a hatful of arseholes".

I asked for your proposals, and from the 60 dissertations you sent, I derived this glossary of useful comparisons for every occasion:

All over it like a seagull on a sick prawn.
All over the place like a wet dog on lino.
Better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick.
Busier than ... a one-armed taxi driver with crabs, a one-armed bill-poster in a stiff breeze, a one-armed bricklayer in Baghdad, a one-legged man in an ass-kicking competition.
Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss, a well-digger's arse, a witch's tit.
Couldn't ... fight his way out of a wet paper bag, find a root in a brothel (with a fistful of fivers), organise a fart in a curry house, organise a pissup in a brewery, pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't sell ... beer to a drover, icecream in hell.
Dry as ... a dead dingo's donga, a pommy's bath towel.
Face like a dropped pie.
Finer than frog's hair.
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Full as ... a butcher's pup, a fat lady's gumboot, a Catholic school.
Few snags short of a barbie.
Gone like last week's pay.
Happy as a dog with two tails.
(The winner's) harder to pick than a broken nose.
Head like a chewed Mintie.

If he fell into a barrel full of tits he'd come up sucking his thumb.
(I'll be) off like ... a bucket of prawns in the sun, a salami in the sun.
Missed by a bee's dick
Piss in my pocket but don't tell me it's raining.
Shoot through like a Bondi tram.
Silly as a bum full of Smarties.
Smiling like a mother-in-law in a divorce court.
So bucktoothed, she could eat a watermelon through a barbed wired fence.
So hungry ... I could eat the arsehole out of a dead dingo, I could eat the crotch out of a low flying duck.
Sticks to the road like shit to a blanket.
Sweating like a fat chick in lycra.
Tight as a shark's arse.
Ugly as a hatful of arseholes.
Up and down like a bride's nightie.
Useless as ... tits on a bull, a glass door on a dunny, a letterbox on a tombstone, a pork chop at a synagogue.
Vanished like a fart in a fan factory.

Wonderful as they are, these images do seem to be stuck in a time warp. With the exception of the Baghdad bricklayer, they could all have been created before 1950. Every language needs to be serviced regularly, and we may be falling down on the job with ours. So now, instead of traditional expressions, I'm looking for original wordplay along the lines of "empty as a Corby boogie board bag", "pure as Justice Einfeld's driving record", "self-effacing as Eddie McGuire", "convincing as a Debnam promise", "competent as a NSW Cabinet Minister", etc.



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