Tuesday, May 30, 2006

304 Survival Tips gleaned from horror movies
When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.

If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along.
Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".

Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.

When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are
either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or
will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.

If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other than death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as this own.

If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)

If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding- psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.

If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.

If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.

Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

DO NOT go into the dark room.

If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.

While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.

Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!

Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

Your dog can take care of itself...

So can your spouse...

And your kids.

Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.

Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

Your plan takes into account all possible situations... except for the one that actually occurs.

Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.

When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.

Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning.

People driven by veangance always die.

Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.

Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

Feel no guilt.

If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse or significant other.

If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.

If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.

If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)

If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

If you are a bad dog, you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).

If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.

Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.

If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.

A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.

When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.

ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).

If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away.

If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire.

If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child).

A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!" run like hell.

Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn...

Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.

Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you.

Never open strange cannisters, especially not if they're government owned.

Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a REAL bad idea.

Never meddle in God's domain.

Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.

If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by.

If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.

Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.

If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.

Don't work the night shift.

Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.

Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc...)

If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)

If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.

Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead.

Stay on the Interstate.

If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.

If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are on their own.

Any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.

Whenever someone warn's you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They are only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death)

Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.

Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait.

If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. also, don't swim at night, especially when alone.

If you are female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower.

If you really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.

When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!!

Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.

Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.

Don't volunteer to go for help !

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.

Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.

If you discover any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!!

Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies.

If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure it is a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation.

NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.

Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho.

All myths and legends have a basis in fact...

If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures.

On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire.
Try not to look directly up...

Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.

If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind.

If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead.

If you value your life, stay a virgin.

Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.

Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.)

If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!

When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.

OR... When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.

All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)

Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.

Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.

Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was.

Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.

Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless your Bill Gates.

Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.

Don't eat food supplements, health food or yogurt. Its not as good for you as you think.

When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of the Corporation.

Avoid men in black.

Also avoid men with pointy teeth.

Natch facial hair.

Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway.

When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.

If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.

NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.

NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.

If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.

If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."

Find a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.

When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.

If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens.

Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.

Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters

If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.

Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.

Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot.

Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.

Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.

When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!

Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!

When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.

If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.

If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.

If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.

When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!

Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

Never be funnier than the main character.

Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

Never walk backwards!

If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.

Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.

If, at any point, you are running from a monster/ villian in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up.

If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.

When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in a horror film, right?) always send your little brother/ sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hiding under the steps.

If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed.

Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable.

If you are running desperately away from a big boogy monster in the woods,
He's going to pop up in front of you.

You're going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something cleaves your head from your shoulders... You're going to die anyhow... so why not try running backwards.

If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Don't go try to fix the generator.

Learn Karate, Well...at least no one has tried to roundkick Jason yet...

Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.

If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instant you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.

If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy.

If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... Its a trick, just kill them.

Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are posessed. Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyways. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you.

Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people make out. They are always the first to go.

When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are cut.

If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stand near the door!

Never buy your kids a doll that talks.

NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.

Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver".

When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.

Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come.

If somebody tells you he's from the future, believe him unquestionably.

Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.

Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.

Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.

If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.

After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!

In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.

Don't succomb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood.

Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggrevation in the long run.

Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.

If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS!

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

Don't open the door.

The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)

Never go off by yourself to sulk.

The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it.

If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain.

Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go.

Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".

Curiosity kills.

Don't take off any clothes.

If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave.

Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't believe you anyway.

Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.

Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.

If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from the next room.

If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens.

Never pretend to be or make fun of the local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.

If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die.

If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.

The monster is never dead until everyone else is!

If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.

Don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets either killed or possessed.
If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinks he knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs.

If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.

If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.

When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him.

When you hear scary music run the other direction!

Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it.

Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.
If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately.

Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you.

Don't ever wear a badge. You will definatly die within ten minutes.

Choose your friends and relatives wisely.
Good choices:
chaste teenage girls
any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above)
good dogs
younger assistants to world-famous scientists.
Bad choices:
security guards
law-enforcement and other municipal officials
executives of companies with questionable environmental/ scientific practices
psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology
obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls
and of course promiscuous teenage girls.

No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear anywhere.

If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/ dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.

If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.

Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...

If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.

If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't use it because before you cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolish by an evil spirit.

If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on here", listen to them.

If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.

If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.

The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die.

If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.
If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.

When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.

Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.

Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price.

Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed.

Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal.

If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance your flybait!

Try to avoid going into fruitcellars of old abandoned cabins.

If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!
Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.

If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it.

Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you.

Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...

Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and run away as fast as possible.

If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating zombies, and there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them than you. But if the zombies come after you shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them.

Don't cut up the living dead. The parts will still come after you.

Don't go back for a friend, he's a goner.

Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by yourself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.

Never, never, never go by yourself to investigate a strange noise coming from the:
any dark room without a full company of the National Guard.

If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
Wow, I can't believe you're still reading. You must be REALLY bored. Shame on you if you've been counting.


Post a Comment

<< Home