Monday, July 24, 2006

Something tonight got me thinking about a funny story I'd read on the "best of" Craigslist months ago.

I've copied it here so you can enjoy as well.

This is a true story. I swear Im not making any of this up. ....and you may very well see the car and laugh your ass off as well.

So Im a car enthusiast, and part time auto mechjanic who helps the neighbors out with thier cars. Hey, ive got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years, and Ive got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early 70s hobby car that i take out on weekends, an oldsmobile 442.

So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her honda civic.
Say it out loud now with me. Honda civic.

Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, honda civic.

"perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable a good basic car for junior," i thought to myself.

The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.

The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had just seen a UFO. as it slowly approached.....i could see it was a HONDA CIVIC.....with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy shit. I almost had a fucking siezure looking at this thing. Even the shifter knob was blinking.

.....Then about 48 hours later, Im laying in bed, about ready to fuck my girlfriend when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. over and over in the neighbors garage.
"Well this is an odd time of night for Mr. Richardson to be fucking around with his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought Id go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning.
Here is the junior richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. 4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.

Holy shit. I told him to pleae quit fucking with the car so I could sleep.

Wait, that is BY FAR not all.

The following week, he ask me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He was rather proud of it. He paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a honda civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg" is what he told me.
This spoiuler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over it.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic.
He went on to explain to me that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic speeds.
4 cylinders.
75 horsepower.
Downforce. Oh my god, what a retard.

It gets better.

2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill.
He just bought a body kit, yo, and heeds to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?
Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here.
So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this motherfucker to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. Thats coming.
heres the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and 2 inches lower than it was before.
He cant get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. word. It was the flyest, dawg.

Circus act part 1.

Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog."
I wouldnt let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb fuck would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next.
He would cut the coils. dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.

He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on the ground. and, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.

You should see how retarded this fucker looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special kid tailights. blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.

Wait, thats not all. now hondtard wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home streo, and a kraagen auto parts special base speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (whats left of them) to blink with the beat of the music.
....Except you cant hear the music. You can only hear the bass. ...And it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.

Now its REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.

Okay. Now for hondtards carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early 60s mustang on it, and its EMORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the retardeness of the rear spoiler/picnic table.
Then out comes the spray cans. All 18 of them. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black.
Then he painted the body kit dawg bright, neon yellow.
The rest of the car was painted bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some shit airbrushed on the doors.

Clown car complete? Not yet.

As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "honda tuuner guy" magazine, filled with equally retarded looking cars.
He asks me: "Yo dawg, i wanna make dis here b18 goes fast and shit. I was thinkin of an acura V-tec swap or some NOSS"
So i asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most retarded car contest, or what?
He says: "Naaw, cracka. That shit is be is funny and shit, but I is for reals, for reals. I need to be running in the 12s and making 350 horsepower"
So I asked him: Why dont you save your money and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower, that was never intended to go that fast any faster?

"dont be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo shit cant hang" he tells me.
Now Im pissed. Insulted. I said: Lookit here, junior, i'll pull my olds cutlass out of the garage and make your shit look like it was going backwards. No noss, no turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO" cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other retard car driving friends.
Ill have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear. You have 6 grand worth of shit bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ass. Get the fuck out of my garage.
He looked like he was gonna cry.
He left with a solid "Fuck you dawg, ill beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.


Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condonne street rascing. However, when faced with a direct insult, challenge, and fuck you, amy man tends to be defensive enough to take a few risks.

Beautiful sunny day. First day Ive had my car out of the garage all winter. I check the fluids. I start the engine. I anticipate a crisp, lively jaunt at mind-bending speeds up the interstate.
I rev my engine, i sip my coffee.

Hondtard heard me revving my engine, and him and 2 of his friends do the same in the driveway. One is a New acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and the other one is junior's moms civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the richardsons house. I crank my engine up to 3000 RPM and drown them out.

I climb in my car, check the guages, and idle out into the road.

I look in my rearview, and Im being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping clown cars with backward hat retards pointing in my direction.

I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. Im an adult.

Acuretard and hondtard pass me when I hit the 680 on the left and the right.
Gone. Good. I am halfway to livermore when they blast out of the on ramp and attempt to box me in. acuratard is revving his engine and pointing forward , hondtard is slowing me down in front of me.

Fuck it. Ive had enough.

I stuffed it down into third gear, opened all 455 cubic inches wide open, almost rear-ended hondtard and swerved directly at acuratard.
I broke the rear tires loose at 70 miles an hour, and acuratard was busy downshifting trying to get enough speed up to catch me.

I dusted these little cocksuckers so bad they simply dissappeared. I got off on the livermore exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of thier own game. Right back atcha homie.

I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp so that they would know I was pissed and coming for them.

I knew the honda was slow, so i ignored him and brought it down right on the acuras bumper. I got within an inch of this terrified teenagers ass and popped on the high beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas i n third and was threatening to bump him. 90, 100, 110....
he couldnt get away from me. he waved for me to pass. hondtard was WAAAAY in the back.
The acura fag was scared, and beaten and he knew it. I pulled alongside.

I motioned for him to roll down his window. I screamed and pointed. He backed way off.

I stuck my finger in the air and screamed fuck you at acura tard, and dumped it, quickly accelerating to 130 MPH until they couldnt see my tailights any more.

Later that evening, as I told my fiancee this story ("your a juvenile asshole, you could have killed those kids and you are going to piss off the neighbors")

I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to my house. Holy shit. Its a drive by. These fuckers want to kill me.
A knock on the door.
I answer it, ready to beat some fake gangsta ass if I have to.

They want to see my car now. "Do you have noss?, is it a hemi?"

fags. get lost.

Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn all about the "ode skoo"

If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they make the car cooler. Then dust his ass once for good measure.

You simply have to see this kids car to believe it. If your car looks retarded and its fast, cool. Then you can look a little fucking special and get away with it. But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class and built by retards, and it s not even quick.

In honor of dale "pimpdaddyhustla" richardson, class of 2006 and his clown car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man enough. I see you stepped up to the plate and lost big time. Im willing to help you install the noss and the v-tecs and let you try again.


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